Holiday Humor a.k.a Don't Take Men Shopping

I got this email as a joke from a friend of mine and nearly peed my pants. So, because the holidays are upon us and some of you may be tempted to force your husband/significant other into doing some shopping with you... consider the following as a public service announcement (or, if you want to get out of shopping, consider any or all of the following):

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal- Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal- Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store .
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store . Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condo ms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women 's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice , 'Code 3 in House wares . Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M& M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR ' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department .

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can' t you people just leave me alone ?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department , he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible ' theme .

12. October 6: In the auto department , he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ' PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICE S AGAIN !'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ' Hey! There 's no toilet paper in here! '